Mommy's got wings...and popcorn prayers. Without those two things, I don't think I could get through this life that is often feeling like a juggling act. Let me clarify:
Mommy's got wings. I feel like I am being equipped and empowered by something supernatural. It certainly is not by my own power that I can do so much, learn so much, and keep feeling motivated. When I was struggling with my depression, I realized that I was trying to fix it with my own power...doing things, chasing contentment. This thing or that activity or well-behaved kids would make me better -- happier. Right...and I wondered why I was depressed? In retrospect my focus was wrong; my why was wrong.
When I stopped looking around me and started looking up, things fell into line a lot better, for a few reasons.
First, the burden was off of me to please others. My goal was the please the Father, not those people around me. So I started sifting and filtering through what I know of God and Scripture. A lot of things seemed less critical and the Son-light started shining in my soul.
Second, if everything I do is for His glory, the satisfaction is that much sweeter, which relieves that hopelessness. Music is just notes and rhythm until it's PRAISE. Art is just paint and lines until it is an outpouring of the SOUL. Gardening is just digging and sweating until it's taking joy in CREATION and PROVISION. Chores are just dishes and laundry until they become SERVING and LOVING. These are things I'm called to do...for others, and ultimately for Him!
Third, I recognized that I was not going through this trial for my own benefit, but rather for the promise of a hope and a future. It's not worth going through if I refuse to allow God to be glorified through it, to allow Him to use it to minister to those around me. A dear family member once said: "When things are tough you can either decide to be bitter, or decide to take joy in the Lord and what He's going to do with it." It doesn't get much clearer than that.
So, on to the prayer. That's what's equipping me, after all. I wish I could say I spent hours in the Word and in prayer. I'm too distract-able, though. I've learned to bend my life around a dependence on God either way. It's catching and recalling Bible verses in a moment of need or joy. It's reflecting on my walk with Him. It's filling my spare time with service and praying for those around me during down time. It's admitting I need to break from another good thing to spend time in study. It's sending up popcorn prayers throughout my day, and teaching my children to pray like they are talking to God. These things uplift my spirit and focus me on my dependence on Him.
Now that's not to say everyday is peaches and roses. It's not. There was a point this week where I was trying to be productive and industrious -- moving the last of those bloomin' strawberries so I can get the salad garden in the raised bed. With three kids, a day's job becomes two weeks of here and there, and salad is a healthy addition to our meals that I can indeed grow for pennies. What are my 3 DSs doing? Playing in the sandbox peacefully, so I got to work. Shortly thereafter, DS2 comes running to the back end of our lot where I'm working, "MOM! [#1] is spraying the garden hose at me!" They are not allowed to turn on or spray the hose. *sigh*
So, I finish putting the plants in the ground and march up the hill. He was not just spraying the brothers. He was "watering" the plants via the sandbox, the bikes, my open windows to the kitchen, den and dining room. Needless to say, my volume went up, my lecture light went on, and he spent the first 10 minutes of his earned cartoon time (for having a "green" day at school) cleaning up water in our home. I steamed, grumbled, lectured, and even yelled "What were you thinking!?!" So glad my new neighbors got to hear bits of that. :S
Then I stopped myself, took a breath and made the decision to turn my day around. Once I get on that irritable/depression downward spiral, it's like trying to get up the gumption to jump off a merry-go-round that was just spun super-fast by the biggest kid on the playground. But I did it, then realized everyone was watching cartoons contentedly by that point. Do everything without grumbling or complaining, Mommy. So, I sneaked out of the house, dug my hands in the dirt and finished my job, sending popcorn prayers the whole time. Lord, give me patience. Lord, give me a heart of forgiveness and grace. Lord, guide me in disciplining my children out of love. I came in, apologized to them for my anger, discussed what they did wrong and the punishment for such. My most fervent prayer: Lord, let me let go of this.
That's the key ~ LET GO AND LET GOD. Thank you, Father for inviting me to cast my cares on You and let You relieve my anxieties and burdens...and thank you for forgiving me when I do it wrong and get upset anyway. Most days are good ~ it's not a constant weight on my shoulders. I have hope that it will be for a purpose that I have muddled through so many years. When I do err, I know God is calling me to confess and ask forgiveness from my children or husband, just as He expects me to do with Him. Remember, when I sin against another, God is even more offended by that sin.
Again, I am convicted to check my focus ~ that is what I'm accountable for. What a golden opportunity to use even my bad days as a way to teach my children about the immeasurable forgiveness and grace of our amazing God! Let go and let God... He will use even our worst trials for His glory!
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