So... how am I being refined, you may ask? Well, the Lord put my life on quite the spin. I started out a perfectionist, Type A, strong-minded, liberated, spiritually wandering, single woman. And He gave me a man, who took me to church, where I experienced heart-believing for the first time in my life. Then came marriage, kids, and new friendships. I gained awareness of Scripture that in turn changed my perspectives, convicted me of many of my strong-willed moments, and called me to serve rather than being so self-oriented.
Now, I'm truly seeing His faithfulness like never before. Answers are coming to decade-long prayers. Are these good things coming because of my works or my frenzied shuffling about? Nope. They are coming from letting go! Such a hard concept for we who like to hold on tightly to EVERYTHING around us!
Someone once said when you hold something with an open hand it's much better than with a closed fist -- for there's room for it to be filled, too!
I've been doing a lot of trusting lately. I took a big leap and got rid of all the baby stuff I had been holding onto so tightly "just in case." I was ready to move on to another stage of life - while trusting he would provide if His plan was otherwise.
I felt called to, applied for, and was offered a great part-time job, which has the focus of serving others. This was hugely out of my current realm, as I had been a SAHW/M for 8+ years. I trusted God to line up wiling hearts to watch my kids... and he changed both grandma's schedules to leave them available for the boys. The job itself doesn't even feel like work most days -- I enjoy it that much!
I'm trying to finish up the garden, get used to working outside of the home, start our new school/church years, and still be the wife and mom I'm called to be. I would normally go nuts planning every detail and stay up to the wee hours making sure it all gets done. Instead, I'm learning to trust that if it gets done great, and if it doesn't...it's not as urgent as I thought.
Now add to this some things I've been praying for for years.
I've prayed for more affection and balance in our marriage. My husband is a wonderful man whom I love (I wouldn't be here otherwise!), but we don't always communicate the best together, and the leadership issue has been challenging, to say the least. So, I stopped trying to change/control him and I started praying more. I prayed that building a healthier marriage and family would become a burning priority for him...and that my own mouth, attitude, and faults would not hinder that.
The Lord answered by bringing us an amazing small group revival with that exact focus! The men are encouraging each other and digging into the Word together -- and we are seeing fruit in our home! He's getting up early just to pray with the kids before they go to school, and it is making a world of difference for them and their days.
We've also prayed for over a decade that DH's night shift job would transition into a day job. The kids are starting to get into full-time school (2/3) and they get to see Dad only for that 5 minutes of prayer in the morning during the week. We've just received word that that is coming to fruition. People are moving on to other things, or holding out for something different and a job may be available soon! This will mean rearranging the sitter-schedule for me, but I'm not sweating. God created the earth and can move the heavens... He can work out a little thing like my schedule!
Finally, our first three kids, blessings all, were not entirely planned yet completely welcome additions to our family. I will admit, though, there was a measure of anxious, "How are we going to handle this?!" with each. It was a frenzy of planning and gathering and nesting on my part; it was a blur of worry and burden and drive to provide for him. I had been certain our family was complete at this point, and that my hands were full. I didn't thrive as a stay at home mom with infants as I would have liked. For years I had prayed that we would not have more kids until it could be truly joyful for both of us (from the beginning, not just after it sinks in and we get over our own plans). Since that didn't happen, I figured we were done. I was overjoyed to be moving on to the next stage of life and working part-time.
Now, after all of these changes recently, I thought the Lord was settling us into a nice easy pattern... but if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plan. You see, the Lord's timing is not our own, and His plans are so infinitely more perfect than our own. My 30th birthday surprise? Baby #4 is on the way!
I honestly have no idea what path all of these changes will lead us on. We will find out as the Lord shows us, but for once I'm not fretting. I am totally at peace and fully trusting God. That's not to say I think there will not be challenges in the next years, but I know that Someone truly awesome is in control of it all!
Last year's theme in Children's Ministry at our church: Fully Rely On God (FROG); as a church whole: trust the Lord like you've never trusted Him before. Wow... I am totally feeling both of those as cornerstones right now! And this isn't the "fake it 'til you make it" feeling... nope, this is REAL!
My heart is overflowing with truly reliant and trusting peace!
Let Go and Let God
~the most liberating thing ever~
