Hobbies: Where've You Been All My Life?

Oh friends, it's been so long! Last time I checked in with you my littlest was just a wee thing...not even walking yet. I had brief moments of time I could explore hobbies. My craft room was a welcome reprieve -- this boymom needed a shred of garden whimsy - pink - personality in her life. So husband was gracious enough to add a room to some storage space and voila MommySpace! My writing was a cherished outlet. My garden was dirt therapy.

Then my wee one grew and crawled and walked. Then he was running. We had three in grade school the next year and socio-emotional and educational challenges to tackle. Life has been wonder-full and crazy busy!

I would NOT trade it for the world!

It's a season of life where pouring ourselves out for others is the calling we have before us. Yet, we must be mindful to keep our own buckets full. In the crazy-busy of motherhood trenches, it is in bits and pieces that we do this: a class while kids are in discipleship clubs, the occasional trip shopping alone, a moms group where childcare is covered, a desperate stop for coffee along the way, a ThriftShopHop with friends, planting a few flowers instead of entire beds.

The key I've found (though not entirely mastered) is to find contentment in whatever we can do right now. Find little ways to squeeze your favorite things into daily life. Find ways to do them with the family since rightfully get the majority of your energy/time. Don't waste energy longing for the next season; it will bring it's own brand of crazy. Embrace where you are now.

My daily Bible reading/study time has narrowed over the years, and gotten more creative. I love devotional books/apps (reliable sources) because they can give me a focus in this scattered season. Listening to sermons while working at home is fantastic. I try to do a weekly character study with the kids based on examples in Scripture. We enjoy family devotions at dinner whenever we can do so (not daily, because life does happen ... often). I love refreshing myself in whatever I'm teaching/guiding this week for kid's classes at church. I write Scripture on my windshield in dry erase marker, on sticky notes all over the house, in my planner, etc.

I craft when called upon...
     "Mom, can you fix this?"
     "Mom, I need a Ben Franklin costume."
     "Mom, I'm going to make this, can you help me?"
        (read...it will be less mess with your help, Mom).
     "Mommy, color with me."
     MOPS...bless MOPS activity time!

I love to bake, but again it's often only when called upon because other things demand my attention. Snacks for school, church, MOPS, or celebrations.

My garden is a big part of family life and how we make ends meet. However, there are times it is not as well-tended as I would like. Some projects got put on hold in lieu of just keeping up with my traveling circus. We engage the kids in helping more each year, but then I have to let go of perfect more, too.

Music is practiced by singing to my kiddos, or helping them learn piano. I may walk by and pluck out one page while waiting for dinner to cook, but an hour of practice is not practical right now. My strings stay in the case because l can't walk away and trust they will still be unbroken when I come back.

I've stepped back from some community/service opportunities to be more involved at school. The way I see it,  since we chose not to homeschool (each family has to weigh and pray this, friends; no judgement), but I'm still a stay home mom... I see value in making sure I spend my volunteer time where my kids are at, still investing in them in some way. I know the school, staff, environment, parents, kids. I still have heart for those other things I did, but my kids won't be young forever. This is where I'm at right now.

This is the same reason I'm doing a Saturday morning character study [see Rachael Carman's series at http://rachaelcarman.com/character-qualities/ ] -- This time is more fleeting than we think. I've been convicted to intentionally invest in their world now, with the hope they will still see me as a big part of it as teens (not for me, but for them).

Still, I have found myself truly missing my writing time. At one point it had been as scheduled thing for Friday (bless my soul, I was so cute *naive*). Lately it's been on an as-needed basis. Share at a church luncheon, teach a MOPS lesson, write for the newsletter... and moving on!

So that brings me up to current day -- I miss the hobbies I used to love. The toddler is almost in preschool, the big ones are in grade school (oldest hits middle school soon, heaven preserve us). I'm seeing little slivers of time open up as our season changes. I may eventually go back to work (after little one is through kindergarten), but for now I can make the most of this.

Sometimes we have to start small. Pick one thing to change, maybe two. My plan is to keep up on the gardens better now that the little one is potty trained and more independent. My other plan is to write more. Ideally, it would be a day away from home, but if it's an hour while kids are in the sandbox and playing outside, that's good too!

I hope you enjoy this journey with me. I know I'm not perfect, but learning as we go can be a source of joy. It's an opportunity to see how God orchestrates all of it to teach us and mold us!

Please say you'll join me!

So what's that one thing (or more) for you?
     What hobby can you bring out of the dust and into the light?

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Organizing Family ~ Saving Time and Money

My bio: mom to four rowdy boys, one huge dog, and six chickens. As a recovering perfectionist, I have a driven heart for practical organizing that make life with kids fun and manageable.

Okay, so beyond that little blurb -- why do I love being organized? Well, this stage of life can be -- let's face it -- a blur. I want to enjoy it, not be stressed over everything that needs done and what and where and on and on and on...

I have been a perfectionist for most of my life. As a teenager, this saw me with many physical symptoms of the stress I put myself under. I didn't know the Lord, didn't have peace in my heart. All I had was "I must do this -- if I don't, I'm a failure." I tied my significance to my success or failure at things. I was a top student, but no one knew how much each day took me deeper into depression. Now if that won't ruin the heart of a teenage girl!

As a mama -- it can ruin me just as readily. The difference is that now I am in a position of influence -- I am raising my kids (by the grace of God and with huge help from my husband, of course). Now, the enemy will use that tendency to want to be perfect to undermine my peace, faith, hope, love and joy. We all know that is his plan -- to steel from us our peace and destroy the heart of our family. If he does that, he eliminates the chance for our family to honor God!

When it comes to curbing those meltdowns of being an overwhelmed & underrested mama, three things make the difference: prayer, rest, and organization.

PRAYER: Friends, this is at the top of the list for a reason. Prayer is the single most powerful thing we can do...and yet it is often a last resort. Why? For me, I see my pride as the obstacle. It goes back to thinking I need to earn my significance on my own works. Wrong. I have a Father who loved me before I was even a life on this earth. I have a Savior who intercedes at the throne of Heaven for me. I have Spirit of hope that lives in me and guides me... if I can just be still long enough to listen. My Ladies Bible study group is starting a new term on this topic, so expect to hear more soon.

REST: Have you ever read Psalm 23? You know, the one about that good shepherd?What a beautiful metaphorical picture of Jesus! There is one verse I always breezed over until a friend shared it at work one day. "He makes me lie down in green pastures." I was not aware of this, but did you know that sheep are a little dense? They just keep meandering about until exhausted. They are spooked by rushing waters, but yet won't rest in even the most perfect place. The shepherd has to lead them there and make them rest.

Do you rest? I mean really take time to rest? Or are you waiting to be forced to rest? I admit I am a little like those dense sheep. It takes influenza to make me rest for a few days. It takes sick kids or a dead vehicle to keep me home. My body wants to rest, but my "I have to do it myself" voice says keep going.

I have started to rearrange things to bring rest into my life:

• I only leave the house on Sunday (church), Tuesday (MOPS), and Thursday (errands) whenever possible. The other days, excepting being the mommy-van school bus, are for catching up at home and having some down time. A mentor of mine once said, "Rest when they rest [or are at school]. The chores will be there when the kids are...time to rest won't. Time to rest is fleeting." 
• I also have quiet time in the morning before doing anything else. Just me and God's Word. It means not going back to bed right after feeding baby at 5...but hey, that lady in Proverbs 31 "rises while it is still night," right? Seems to be working for her.
• I have made going to church and a Bible study group a priority. This is rest for my spirit. I can go go go all day, but if I am not being refreshed in God...I will feel empty and overwhelmed.
• I am getting braver about accepting or asking for help with the kids. "Honey, I really need a haircut. Tonight's schedule is clear...I am going if you can watch the kids." I used to wait until desperation set in (6 months between cuts kind of desperation), then beg. Now I can remember taking care of me is important enough to ask for help.
• If it works with family and budget, take a little retreat. Our church offers some for individuals and families throughout the year. There are great local seminars and national conferences to do. I just try to remember garbage in, garbage out. Make it worth your time and uplifting to your heart. Trust me, the kids, spouse, and home will survive a few days without you. I have learned to not have grand expectations of them rushing me at the door with remorse for taking me for granted. Nor will the house be as neat as I left it. Those just set me up for disappointment. But I will be refreshed and actually have had the opportunity to miss them!
• Do something that makes you feel healthy. Even exercise can be rest when it gives you time alone and recharges your batteries. You better believe I am looking forward to getting back to my fitness club when this year's frenzy of multiple schools passes.
• Get organized and you get more time/money with which to rest.

ORGANIZATION:
So, there you have it. More time and money. Less stress. More rest and peace. Living the calling God has for you. That is why being organized is a blessing to you and your household. For a while...the next few blog posts (barring random acts of homestead inspiration) are going to dig into some specific strategies that make things a lot smoother for us. It is my hope they help you out too friends! I have shared many of these with my MOPS group, and now it's a joy to share them with you, as well.

Just Checking In...

Oh my word gang!  When someone mentioned to me I ought to write a book... it reminded me that it has been 10 months since I was on this blog!!!  Now, granted, it was a FULL 10 months. Working for a season outside of my home, having 2 kids in school full-time and a preschooler, planning & prepping for our newest arrival, and then having a newborn (DearSon #4).  Oh yeah, and summer vacation.

Can I just say I had no idea how busy this last summer would be until the Lord brought me through having my busy boys hopping around while mothering a nursing baby (can we say 4+ hours a day just feeding baby?!)  We kept on with the garden... though a few things got lost in the process of all that family life. The bunny planed off my broccoli, and the weeds...well let's just say we had natural mulch, shall we?

Through it all -- baby, camping with the tribe, gardening (just doing, not documenting, mind you), animals, family, the household chores, birthday season, and our MOPS group getting ready to meet -- I can finally say I feel caught up. And school starts tomorrow. Yes, it seriously took me all summer to feel like I have a handle on things.  But you know something? I'm really kinda okay with that. I have come a long way letting go of that control thing that drives us women so often.

I have been going through a study this summer with a group of ladies from church all about embracing Biblical womanhood...and dispelling the myths of our culture about what that really means.  One of the biggest lessons I learned was this: God designed me as a woman to be a mother.  Not all women mother biological children, but there are so many ways God calls us to mother. Teaching, mentoring, being a neighbor and/or friend, leadership, and loving as an aunt, sister, or even caretaker. Mothering is to nurture, to make a home, to provide for someone's needs, to teach them, to walk with them in the way of the Lord. To serve them as Christ would.

Hold that thought...dinner is ready...

And bedtime cometh...

Okay, where was I? Ah yes, serving our families.  This, my friends, is why I have not blogged over the past few months.  Not because I've given up on writing or this life. I am still loving both. Yet, just like those pesky games you just can't get away from on Facebook [says the recovered FV addict]... I had to step back for a season to do what was the biggest priority - be the mother. I may not always [ever] get everything done, but I have accepted that I have gotten done exactly what Jesus knew I would and it is enough.

I'd rather a happy family than a neurotic mama and hubby or kids walking on eggshells. After all, the foolish woman tears down her house with her own hands. Now, the DH has been gracious beyond words stepping up and helping me out this summer. I can thankfully say that has made the difference in keeping the postpartum depression to a minimum. God is good and has gifted me with a wonderful man to share my life with. Through all the ups, downs, and in-betweens, I have loved watching our faithful God grow our marriage.

Now as far as comparing the calling to mother with the calling to write...I am still Mom first. However, as the kids are all starting school and baby boy is a little older (ie able to have more content awake time and consistent naps), it is my hope to have time to write again. I have about a hundred posts already bouncing around in my head.  Things that I thought about as I was doing them over the last year, but never got to a keyboard to record said nuggets.  Get ready...

I'm STILL Diggin' This Life!

Control vs. Peace

For those who don't know me, I am a control-freak.  Or at least I was.  I am being refined and reformed --sometimes it seems by walking through the fire.  I often refer to myself as a recovering perfectionist, but the control issue goes right along with it.

So... how am I being refined, you may ask?  Well, the Lord put my life on quite the spin. I started out a perfectionist, Type A, strong-minded, liberated, spiritually wandering, single woman.  And He gave me a man, who took me to church, where I experienced heart-believing for the first time in my life.  Then came marriage, kids, and new friendships. I gained awareness of Scripture that in turn changed my perspectives, convicted me of many of my strong-willed moments, and called me to serve rather than being so self-oriented.

Now, I'm truly seeing His faithfulness like never before.  Answers are coming to decade-long prayers.  Are these good things coming because of my works or my frenzied shuffling about?  Nope.  They are coming from letting go!  Such a hard concept for we who like to hold on tightly to EVERYTHING around us!

Someone once said when you hold something with an open hand it's much better than with a closed fist -- for there's room for it to be filled, too!

I've been doing a lot of trusting lately.  I took a big leap and got rid of all the baby stuff I had been holding onto so tightly "just in case."  I was ready to move on to another stage of life - while trusting he would provide if His plan was otherwise.

I felt called to, applied for, and was offered a great part-time job, which has the focus of serving others.  This was hugely out of my current realm, as I had been a SAHW/M for 8+ years.  I trusted God to line up wiling hearts to watch my kids... and he changed both grandma's schedules to leave them available for the boys. The job itself doesn't even feel like work most days -- I enjoy it that much!

I'm trying to finish up the garden, get used to working outside of the home, start our new school/church years, and still be the wife and mom I'm called to be.  I would normally go nuts planning every detail and stay up to the wee hours making sure it all gets done.  Instead, I'm learning to trust that if it gets done great, and if it doesn't...it's not as urgent as I thought.

Now add to this some things I've been praying for for years.

I've prayed for more affection and balance in our marriage.  My husband is a wonderful man whom I love (I wouldn't be here otherwise!), but we don't always communicate the best together, and the leadership issue has been challenging, to say the least.  So, I stopped trying to change/control him and I started praying more.  I prayed that building a healthier marriage and family would become a burning priority for him...and that my own mouth, attitude, and faults would not hinder that.

The Lord answered by bringing us an amazing small group revival with that exact focus!  The men are encouraging each other and digging into the Word together -- and we are seeing fruit in our home!  He's getting up early just to pray with the kids before they go to school, and it is making a world of difference for them and their days.

We've also prayed for over a decade that DH's night shift job would transition into a day job. The kids are starting to get into full-time school (2/3) and they get to see Dad only for that 5 minutes of prayer in the morning during the week.  We've just received word that that is coming to fruition.  People are moving on to other things, or holding out for something different and a job may be available soon!  This will mean rearranging the sitter-schedule for me, but I'm not sweating. God created the earth and can move the heavens... He can work out a little thing like my schedule!

Finally, our first three kids, blessings all, were not entirely planned yet  completely welcome additions to our family. I will admit, though, there was a measure of anxious, "How are we going to handle this?!" with each. It was a frenzy of planning and gathering and nesting on my part; it was a blur of worry and burden and drive to provide for him. I had been certain our family was complete at this point, and that my hands were full. I didn't thrive as a stay at home mom with infants as I would have liked. For years I had prayed that we would not have more kids until it could be truly joyful for both of us (from the beginning, not just after it sinks in and we get over our own plans). Since that didn't happen, I figured we were done. I was overjoyed to be moving on to the next stage of life and working part-time.

Now, after all of these changes recently, I thought the Lord was settling us into a nice easy pattern... but if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plan.  You see, the Lord's timing is not our own, and His plans are so infinitely more perfect than our own. My 30th birthday surprise? Baby #4 is on the way!

I honestly have no idea what path all of these changes will lead us on. We will find out as the Lord shows us, but for once I'm not fretting.  I am totally at peace and fully trusting God.  That's not to say I think there will not be challenges in the next years, but I know that Someone truly awesome is in control of it all!

Last year's theme in Children's Ministry at our church: Fully Rely On God (FROG); as a church whole: trust the Lord like you've never trusted Him before.  Wow... I am totally feeling both of those as cornerstones right now!  And this isn't the "fake it 'til you make it" feeling... nope, this is REAL!

My heart is overflowing with truly reliant and trusting peace!

Let Go and Let God

~the most liberating thing ever~

Bloom Where You Are Planted

Do you remember how I told you all how I pray for neon signs?  Things I'm supposed to do or not do, things I'm supposed to learn; insights and motivations alike.  Well, this summer I have been bombarded by this one: Galatians 5:22.  "The Fruit of the Spirit."  A simple verse that many memorize in Sunday School.  Except as a young thing, that SS attendance was spotty at best for me.

So over this summer the good Lord has bombarded me with this one amazing verse!

First I was praying through it for my sons during the Warrior Prayers Challenge, which motivated me to make it our verse for the summer.  My three boys have learned it (for the most part) and respond accordingly when I interrupt bad attitudes with, "Give me some fruit!"  They know they can't argue with it (says so in the Scripture, kids)!

Second, it shows up on Facebook in a picture (one of those visual quotes) posted by a friend -- "Bloom where you are planted."  It immediately drew my mind to the fact that I, as a mom, have to choose to bloom -- to be content and show all the fruits of the Spirit, even when I am not feeling it.

My creative juices get flowing and I start noodling around that image with the fruit phrases...and oh did I long to make it happen!

The pastor preaches on a similar topic -- making a choice to grow and he says the same thing (maybe he's on Facebook?) "Bloom where you are planted."  Oh I'm getting the neon sign feeling at this point and know that Jesus is telling me to write this one on my gates and doorposts, so to speak.  Old Testament advice, still applicable: write it on your home and teach it to your children, let the Word of the Lord be a part of every bit of your day!

So, the kids were asleep last Friday, the hubby was working late, and I had just had a cup of coffee ~ 2am art-session coming up!

I have some florals in my basement entry way, so got some color ideas and started painting... and painting...

Today I arranged it on the wall -- where I would see it when I rise in the morning (heading up for coffee and breakfast), when I'm coming and going (by the back door), and when I'm ready to call it a night (back to bed).  

It needed a little something more -- some blooms.  I took the flowers leftover from the wreath I got the colors from and made a little bouquet to go with it.  It may get tweeked...not sure it's quite right, but at least it's done and on the wall!

Put it all together and it was almost exactly what I had imagined -- nothing fancy and yet totally what I need to see 1000 times a day!  My hope is that as my boys learn to read, it will be a reminder to them as well!

Dance in the Rain, Mom

Some days are bright and warm and sunshiney -- and some days are like a thunderstorm.   As a mom of boys, I see the changeability of the days three or four times a day.  Some moments are great -- they are coloring quietly, helping in the garden, building a massive frontier-log homestead together, speaking gently to each other -- SUNSHINE!  Other moments are arguments, messes, sassy mouths and holding grudges -- STORMS!  So, what's a mom (or dad or other caregiver) to do?

Soak up the sun when it's out, and then make the choice to enjoy the storms!  Here in the midwest we had a few days of this, last week -- literally.   The mornings start cloudy, the sun comes out, the weather warms and makes me wish school was out so we could spend the day outside non-stop.  Then it gets really warm -- almost hot.  A storm brewing, no doubt.

Now, I'm not a "fan" of storms.  I would rather enjoy a sunny day warm and delightful, than be stuck inside with the booming and the rain.  But...can I plant my garden without the rain?  A storm is the natural way of clearing out the dead brush and limbs and undergrowth in the woods/fields -- that's how the creator made it, to work in harmony.  The sunshine feeds life, the rain grows life, and the winds complete the cycle.  So on those stormy days I appreciate the time to catch up inside, if the chores are done (shocker, believe me) I have the freedom for some reading time or a game with my kids.  The blessing in the storm, if you will.

Life with boys is like a late spring day -- changes constantly and there's usually a storm brewing.  But there are so many joys too -- the moments of wholesome boy play, getting good and dirty just for the sake of being hands-on, jumping to help mom (because that's what good men do).  In the storms, I have to choose to appreciate what I can of it.

It's a challenge in the thick of it -- to not lose my cool, or feel the failure.  To keep heart and faith that God will see me past that valley of life.  At one point I was ready to throw in the towel -- I had a 2 year old and an infant and I was overwhelmed.  Almost two years later I had a 3 year old, a 2 year old and a newborn -- really overwhelmed.  As they grew it was moments of complete contrition.   I'm not worthy to be their mother.  I will never get this right.  I'm losing my mind.  How will they learn to be good men if they have an angry, frustrated mother who can't get past her own hormones?  I was on my knees crying out to God to carry me through that -- the depression, the unworthiness, the fear over my lack of control in my situation.

The amazing thing is he did carry me through it.  He brought me to a group of moms that knew exactly where I was at -- fellowship and understanding, someone to walk along side me.  I grew by leaps and bounds spiritually those first few years in my MOPS group -- I'm still growing.  He carried my marriage through it to -- we made it past that typical "7 year discontentment."  I don't call it the itch, because I never really wanted to leave, but it was so hard to really focus on what we wanted for the future of our marriage when my own selfishness wanted to focus on what I wanted for my future (or my family's future).  But our gracious God did not stop at taking care of me and my marriage, he changed my perspective on my role as Mom.

As moms of boys it is our privilege and our calling to be here for our boys.  We guide them and nurture them.  My philosophy is I'm not raising boys, I'm raising men -- hopefully strong, good, faith-filled men.  Men who will be husbands and fathers and leaders.  Can I do that of my own free will?  Is it my effort alone that will bear fruit?  Is it my actions that will affect my kids and generations to come, for my name alone?  Yes, I hope to leave a legacy, but not one for me.  I hope to leave a legacy that in how God leads me and uses me, as his hands and feet, will indeed be ultimately glorifying to Him.

A friend challenged me to join her in the 21 Days of Prayer for our Sons Challenge http://www.themobsociety.com/21-days-of-prayer-for-sons/ and I have seen two benefits immediately -- though I'm sure there's more fruit to come.

I'm humbled to realize that it's not my power and action that will take my sons to that ultimate goal -- it is the faithfulness of the Lord.  The thing I am assured of is that if we pray faithfully and believe He can do anything in our children's lives, He will answer that prayer.  The timing is not always our own -- but I have faith that his purpose and timing are better and more purposeful than my own.  Prayer is the single most powerful thing we as moms can do for our sons (or daughters, for that matter).  The commentator challenged us to wear holes in our jeans praying.  Not holes in our shoes chasing, or crackles in our voice lecturing.  Holes in our knees, praying -- bringing our boys and their futures before our gracious God who concerns himself with even the littlest of our concerns.  We don't have all the answers or solutions to every problem or question, but we do have the opportunity to show we have faith despite that lack of knowledge.  Believing without seeing or knowing is true faith.  Letting go of our own control and giving it over to the wisdom of the Lord.

Second, I have been blessed to really grow in my prayer life through this.  To feel like I'm finally doing something right and making an impact for my boys and their future as men.  I find myself not only in prayer for them, but for their future wives as well.  For their future families and the impact they in-turn can make on the world for our Lord's purpose.

Then today in church, as our Lord is so apt to do, I was presented with a neon sign.  I pray for neon signs, you see.  I know in my blur of a life, I'm prone to miss subtlety; I need big clear messages.  Our pastor was in Matthew chapter 9, and he reminded us that the least likely believer is the one that Christ makes His priority.  That wayward son will be sought by God.  My boys are too young to be real heart-knowledge believers yet, but I know the promises of the Lord don't say they won't wander.  The Lord knows what the future holds, I don't.  The promise of the Lord is that if I point my sons on the right path, when they are old they will not turn from it.  

It is my hope they grow to know the Lord and stay in his truth -- that it will be warm fuzzies all the way.  The reality is the enemy tells a tempting lie; he makes it easier to believe the world than the Word.  It is my job as mom to never lose faith in the Lord's work in my sons' lives, no matter how overwhelmed I am by the circumstances.  No matter how hard it gets, I must never cease praying and never lose hope.  I will always love my sons unconditionally -- through the good and the bad, through the mountains and the valleys.  Just as my Father loves me unconditionally, so I must distinguish between the sin or error and my son.  Hate the sin, love the sinner -- always.  After all, aren't I one, too?

There are days that are full of challenges, but I can either lament the difficulty of it, or I can look for the teachable moment and pray my sons and I grow from it.  I look forward to the moment when I can look back on our lives and in retrospect see the times the Lord has brought us through the valleys and back to the mountaintops.  A speaker at a women's conference I attended recently, Holly Wagner, made the poignant point:

Wouldn't it be great if life was mountaintop, mountaintop, mountaintop, Heaven?!  That's not how it works -- life is full of valleys.  But where does the fruit grow?  Not on the mountaintop, but in the valley!

When we are overwhelmed by this calling we have as moms, it is not the point to give up, but rather to cling to a purpose and faith stronger than my own efforts and will.  So my message this Mother's Day is this -- don't run from the storms in life.  Look for the blessing, dance in the rain, and know the harvest is yet to come!

A Wing and A Prayer

Mommy's got wings...and popcorn prayers.  Without those two things, I don't think I could get through this life that is often feeling like a juggling act.  Let me clarify:

Mommy's got wings.  I feel like I am being equipped and empowered by something supernatural.  It certainly is not by my own power that I can do so much, learn so much, and keep feeling motivated.  When I was struggling with my depression, I realized that I was trying to fix it with my own power...doing things, chasing contentment.  This thing or that activity or well-behaved kids would make me better -- happier.  Right...and I wondered why I was depressed?  In retrospect my focus was wrong; my why was wrong.

When I stopped looking around me and started looking up, things fell into line a lot better, for a few reasons.

First, the burden was off of me to please others.  My goal was the please the Father, not those people around me.  So I started sifting and filtering through what I know of God and Scripture.  A lot of things seemed less critical and the Son-light started shining in my soul.

Second, if everything I do is for His glory, the satisfaction is that much sweeter, which relieves that hopelessness.  Music is just notes and rhythm until it's PRAISE.  Art is just paint and lines until it is an outpouring of the SOUL.  Gardening is just digging and sweating until it's taking joy in CREATION and PROVISION.  Chores are just dishes and laundry until they become SERVING and LOVING.  These are things I'm called to do...for others, and ultimately for Him!

Third, I recognized that I was not going through this trial for my own benefit, but rather for the promise of a hope and a future.  It's not worth going through if I refuse to allow God to be glorified through it, to allow Him to use it to minister to those around me.  A dear family member once said: "When things are tough you can either decide to be bitter, or decide to take joy in the Lord and what He's going to do with it."  It doesn't get much clearer than that.

So, on to the prayer.  That's what's equipping me, after all.  I wish I could say I spent hours in the Word and in prayer.  I'm too distract-able, though.  I've learned to bend my life around a dependence on God either way.  It's catching and recalling Bible verses in a moment of need or joy.  It's reflecting on my walk with Him.  It's filling my spare time with service and praying for those around me during down time.  It's admitting I need to break from another good thing to spend time in study.  It's sending up popcorn prayers throughout my day, and teaching my children to pray like they are talking to God.  These things uplift my spirit and focus me on my dependence on Him.

Now that's not to say everyday is peaches and roses.  It's not.  There was a point this week where I was trying to be productive and industrious -- moving the last of those bloomin' strawberries so I can get the salad garden in the raised bed.  With three kids, a day's job becomes two weeks of here and there, and salad is a healthy addition to our meals that I can indeed grow for pennies.  What are my 3 DSs doing?  Playing in the sandbox peacefully, so I got to work.  Shortly thereafter, DS2 comes running to the back end of our lot where I'm working, "MOM!  [#1] is spraying the garden hose at me!"  They are not allowed to turn on or spray the hose. *sigh* 

So, I finish putting the plants in the ground and march up the hill.  He was not just spraying the brothers.  He was "watering" the plants via the sandbox, the bikes, my open windows to the kitchen, den and dining room.  Needless to say, my volume went up, my lecture light went on, and he spent the first 10 minutes of his earned cartoon time (for having a "green" day at school) cleaning up water in our home.  I steamed, grumbled, lectured, and even yelled "What were you thinking!?!"  So glad my new neighbors got to hear bits of that. :S


Then I stopped myself, took a breath and made the decision to turn my day around.  Once I get on that irritable/depression downward spiral, it's like trying to get up the gumption to jump off a merry-go-round that was just spun super-fast by the biggest kid on the playground.  But I did it, then realized everyone was watching cartoons contentedly by that point.  Do everything without grumbling or complaining, Mommy.  So, I sneaked out of the house, dug my hands in the dirt and finished my job, sending popcorn prayers the whole time.  Lord, give me patience.  Lord, give me a heart of forgiveness and grace.  Lord, guide me in disciplining my children out of love.  I came in, apologized to them for my anger, discussed what they did wrong and the punishment for such.  My most fervent prayer: Lord, let me let go of this. 


That's the key ~ LET GO AND LET GOD.  Thank you, Father for inviting me to cast my cares on You and let You relieve my anxieties and burdens...and thank you for forgiving me when I do it wrong and get upset anyway.  Most days are good ~ it's not a constant weight on my shoulders.  I have hope that it will be for a purpose that I have muddled through so many years.  When I do err, I know God is calling me to confess and ask forgiveness from my children or husband, just as He expects me to do with Him.  Remember, when I sin against another, God is even more offended by that sin.

Again, I am convicted to check my focus ~ that is what I'm accountable for.  What a golden opportunity to use even my bad days as a way to teach my children about the immeasurable forgiveness and grace of our amazing God!  Let go and let God... He will use even our worst trials for His glory!

Get Creative

So I'm always more ambitious than my lifestyle will often allow ~ at least with my creative pursuits.  I like music, painting, yarn-crafting, creative gifts, trying new canning recipes, coming up with activities for the kiddos, etc.  I don't always have time for them all -- it's been years since I've finished a crochet project bigger than a scarf or mittens.  Honoring God and caring for my family is my first priority (or at least they should be -- it truth some days it's a struggle).

Yet, I'm reminded to take joy in what I can do -- and to gently ask my family to help make it possible for me to do so.   I've learned that having some creative outlet can be therapeutic.  And do you know who taught me this, most recently?  My 5 year old, naturally ~ don't you know they are the philosophers of tomorrow?  Now he doesn't necessarily say the most profound things every time, sometimes it's what he says and sometimes it's what he does.

Have you ever seen a kid play playdough all day, until there are crunchy pieces on the table and floor, awaiting the vacuum cleaner?  His hands are dry and nasty, there may even be dough in nose or mouth.  He says "Mom, I don't want to stop, we never play playdough."  If you never do it, you will over-do it.

How often do we as parents (and even as grown-ups, really) put off the things that gave us joy (like music or art) for the more practical things that demand our attention?  Then when we do get back to it we either a) are terribly out of practice, b) hobby ourselves to the point of burnout (like musicians with muscle tension or writers who start seeing blinking cursors in their sleep) or c) get frustrated when we are interrupted, throw a tantrum, and then give up for another year or two.  Okay, maybe that last one was just me...

It's relaxing too, did you know?  When you're in the zone of your craft or hobby, everything else seems to melt away.  How do we seem to forget this part, caught up in our "too busy" lives?  You can go from the 5 year old whining and stomping around *paint for 30 minutes* and voila!  Instant joyfulness ~ even to the point of wanting to go outside and soak up some sunshine when he previously wanted to stay in and sulk.  I think that one good mood leads to another.

I know when I'm fuming and ready to blow my mommy-top, an hour of music therapy changes my heart.  I open the Hymnal and go.  The focus is half the battle and all the joy.  How can you be bitter and sour when you're worshiping?  I also go for dirt therapy (this is a great one to do if you can't get away from the kids, because they likely want to go outside anyway, and may even help you).  The mindlessness of it is good when I'm burnt out.  Nothing like a little hard work to clear the head ~ even that can be joy!  And nothing focuses me up more than looking down at how amazingly this world was created!

So moral of the story, don't neglect what you enjoy.  I made that mistake for a while when my kiddos were very little.  A little recreation is healthy for you (mind you, overkill is not *been guilty of that before*).  Find a way to make it part of your life, without neglecting this calling of parenting (or job or mission).  These gifts and callings are given to us for a reason ~ in EVERYTHING we do we should bring glory to the One who made us.  Yes, this means diapers and dishes, a very hard thing to remember when you are in the trenches.  But, it also means with your talents, too.

Do you think the Maker does not enjoy his creations?  Does He look at a bloom and not anticipate it opening and following the sun -- living to it's fullest potential?  He wants us to use everything He gives us.  Sometimes it's very public, sometimes it's quiet and for others, and sometimes it's just for our own sanity.  Always, it's part of His plan.

One last point on this subject: this can often be said for dads too, so don't take this as a cue to complain at your man, ladies, about wanting more time in your hobby.  Find a way to get both of you some hobby/recreation time.  I get a few days a week for music, he gets a few days a week for bike rides.  I crochet while "watching" football with him.  There are ways, believe me.  It doesn't always work, but we're trying.  Picking a fight over it is never worth what you accomplished, even if you did "win."  There was a time I was sour about not getting "me" time, and trust me when I say, it gets you nothing except the blues.